tender is the night

Another weekend coming to a close, another rant about work.

I should be grading papers. Instead, here I am, blogging. Such is the reluctance I have to spend my Sunday doing something that has become vexing.

Grading papers has become such a chore. I keep seeing all these errors made by my students and I wonder if a) they have been pretending to understand my lessons, or b) I have been that incoherent. Surely, after five years, I would have gotten out of the “inexperienced teacher” ditch? I have tried almost everything within my means. Peer teaching, group work, churning out plenty of study notes… Why do I still feel so inept?

Plenty of people tell me I’m a good teacher, that I’ve been doing a great job with my kids. I’m humbled. Because honestly? I’m not so sure if I agree. Perhaps I am good at connecting with them. I do usually manage to build a pretty strong rapport with the kids. And it does appear I can easily get their support to participate in school events. But what else quantifies me as a good teacher? Have their attitudes changed for the better? Have their results improved? Sadly, I’ve never been able to tell.

I think it is the lack of visible results that has gotten me so disheartened that I’m all ready to call it a day. It’s highly frustrating to do something year after year with nothing to show. I don’t need to produce straight-A students – I’ve actually never quite believed in that. All I’ve ever wanted to achieve is to instill a sense of self-belief and self-motivation, so that these young ones can learn that they can find success as long as they are willing to work hard enough to maximise their potentials.

Am I being too idealistic?

Perhaps I’ll only see the results 10 years down the road, when I bump into ex-students and see how they’ve done good for themselves.

What if I never bump into any of them though? Can you see how frustrating this has become for me?

What I need most right now is faith. Faith that the seeds have been planted, and that work has been done. Whether or not I’ll ever see these fruits should be the least of my concerns.

Right?

Excuse me while I go sulk in a corner now.

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