You know the problem with teaching? Be in it too long, and you’ll start talking to everyone as though they’re your students. It’s funny at first, until it becomes condescending and downright grating.

Needless to say, I was at the receiving end today. And it seriously drove me insane. But unlike my previous job, something tells me that my superiors here will not appreciate my candour, so I had no choice but to struggle to hold my tongue. And thus begins the first part of my rant about working with people who have always been sheltered by the civil service.

THEY. ARE. TOO. RIGID.

Of course, I start to rationalise (as I always do) that the civil service serves a much bigger target audience compared to the private sector who has a lot fewer stakeholders. Admittedly, proper “systems” and “processes” will need to be in place in order to ensure the smooth running of things. However, being in the “system” for too long, you’ll naturally become one with the “system”. You end up running things in such a way that there becomes very little tolerance for alternative solutions. Even though the end product is still THE SAME.

And it confounds me. If there’s only one way of doing something, why are we given options in the first place? Why offer us this false hope of flexibility? Are you just trying to make us succumb without appearing too dictatorial? And why isn’t taking the initiative more appreciated? Why does everything have to go through the channels first? Am I not mature/responsible/capable enough to make a decision? Am I beginning to sound a tad bitter?

Breathe. BREATHE.

The second part was already touched on earlier in the opening paragraph. Wherein I felt like a 10-year-old while being talked down to. (Oh please tell me again how to get it done? Cos I was totally playing with my hair the first 3 times.) It made me feel like I was working for my mother*! Oh. My. Heck. Thankfully, this doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen. OHHHH BOY. I can literally feel the blood pressure rising.

*Bless her, cos my mother’s actually very easy-going and not difficult to work with at all. I was just trying to make a point.

Increasingly, I can’t help but wonder if this environment is suitable for me. I need to be in a place where I can work with learners who are more responsible. I need to be in a place where people are less concerned about ranking and more about moulding. And personally, I don’t know if I can continue teaching the same two subjects for the rest of my life, especially since I don’t see the syllabus changing drastically anytime soon. I don’t want to have to keep imparting the same bits of information each scholastic year. I want teaching to be more dynamic where I can continuously learn new things and be able to pass them on to my students (I guess this is why I’d originally chosen to teach Literature, since I know the text will change every few years). I guess most of all, I miss studying. I miss learning new things about the world. Sure, I could always read, but I hardly have time to sit down and indulge in a book from cover to cover. So trust me? That’s not a solution.

I think it’s clear what I need.

I need a break.

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