Today was one of those days. Nothing seemed to make sense. I trudged through my morning routine, completely in denial about having to go to work.

Let’s face it, that September term break really wasn’t a break at all. Especially not when there was all that marking to be done. Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel well-rested. Clearly, a week isn’t enough.

I feel like I’m running on reserve energy right now. In fact, it’s been this way for the past few Septembers, since I started teaching. Each year, it is around this point of time that I feel like throwing in the towel. Now, I don’t claim to have the toughest job in the world, but it certainly has its challenges, and I’m beginning to feel – for the lack of a better word – jaded. Yet, I feel guilty for feeling this way, y’know? I feel like I’m doing my students a huge injustice, when I don’t give them my best. I feel guilty for not giving them those extra classes that they want, because I really do need the time to catch up on my marking and other administrative stuff. Besides, and I’m being honest here, I know that not much can be done at this stage, because there’s a little too much catching up to do. But how do you tell that to an impressionable teen, and not dash hopes?

*breathe*

I know the perks of my job will be manifested soon especially now that we’re in the final leg, but for now, they seem a little too distant.

I really do take my hat off to my colleagues who have families to look after. How they still manage to stay on top of their game is beyond me.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because I needed the comforting.

Fix You, by Coldplay

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about whether I’m done with teaching. Then I realise that I’m not done with teaching, but I’m almost certainly quite done with all the other administrative stuff that comes with teaching. Also, I think I’m jaded.

I remember telling myself before I got into the profession, and after seeing one too many jaded teachers, that if I ever became like them, it would be time for me to leave. I refuse to subject my students to my worn-out, blasé self, because that won’t be fair to them. But truth is, I run on emotions. I run on passion. I run on my relationships with others. Without which, I find it very hard to motivate myself. And when I’m not motivated, I’m not a good teacher.

I don’t have to think long and hard to uncover the reasons for my feeling this way. Partly, it is due to the fact that I’m no longer a form teacher, meaning I no longer have the capacity (or authority) to care for students in the same way as I did for the last 3 years. Being a form teacher allowed me to be pastoral, and I really got to connect with my students on a deeper level. That allowed me to develop this relationship with my students, one based on mutual trust and respect, thereby giving me the motivation to give them my best. Now, I can’t help feeling… redundant.

The other reason is the fact that my samba with all the other non-teaching essentials has really gotten me quite frustrated. It doesn’t help that a colleague of mine, who recently switched to a different teaching scheme, has displayed a significant change in her demeanour. I’m noticing a slight bounce in her step, and that she’s smiling a lot more. She’s also able to focus more on the fundamentals of teaching now, so of course I can’t help but feel envious. I want that for myself! Am I ready for the pay cut though? Not just yet.

I have a final batch of students that I definitely want to see through, but after this year, I’m not sure. I’ll keep you posted.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because their performance at the recent Grammys made me love this song all over again.

The Cave (Live), by Mumford & Sons