Another weekend coming to a close, another rant about work.

I should be grading papers. Instead, here I am, blogging. Such is the reluctance I have to spend my Sunday doing something that has become vexing.

Grading papers has become such a chore. I keep seeing all these errors made by my students and I wonder if a) they have been pretending to understand my lessons, or b) I have been that incoherent. Surely, after five years, I would have gotten out of the “inexperienced teacher” ditch? I have tried almost everything within my means. Peer teaching, group work, churning out plenty of study notes… Why do I still feel so inept?

Plenty of people tell me I’m a good teacher, that I’ve been doing a great job with my kids. I’m humbled. Because honestly? I’m not so sure if I agree. Perhaps I am good at connecting with them. I do usually manage to build a pretty strong rapport with the kids. And it does appear I can easily get their support to participate in school events. But what else quantifies me as a good teacher? Have their attitudes changed for the better? Have their results improved? Sadly, I’ve never been able to tell.

I think it is the lack of visible results that has gotten me so disheartened that I’m all ready to call it a day. It’s highly frustrating to do something year after year with nothing to show. I don’t need to produce straight-A students – I’ve actually never quite believed in that. All I’ve ever wanted to achieve is to instill a sense of self-belief and self-motivation, so that these young ones can learn that they can find success as long as they are willing to work hard enough to maximise their potentials.

Am I being too idealistic?

Perhaps I’ll only see the results 10 years down the road, when I bump into ex-students and see how they’ve done good for themselves.

What if I never bump into any of them though? Can you see how frustrating this has become for me?

What I need most right now is faith. Faith that the seeds have been planted, and that work has been done. Whether or not I’ll ever see these fruits should be the least of my concerns.

Right?

Excuse me while I go sulk in a corner now.

I go back to work tomorrow after a two-day medical leave and there is a huge lack of motivation to prepare for lessons. Thank goodness I have a stash of worksheets and other resources that I can easily tap into… Still, it’s worrying. Already, the fact that I’ve fallen sick about once a month since the start of the year has gotten me wondering if I have a psychological problem with work. You know how it is. When the brain is full of pessimism, negative signals are sent out and before you know it, everything about work becomes a chore. Then, when there’s enough despondency, my immunity system lowers, letting me fall prey to all these viruses that are suddenly more prevalent than usual. It doesn’t help that schools are gigantic germ forests.

I’ve prayed for God to let me continue embracing His plans for me, and for me to start focusing on His work, instead of mine; to focus on counting His blessings, instead of counting down to the end of this scholastic year…

Alas, it has not been easy.

Some days make sense, but there are many others where I just don’t know what’s happening anymore.

I’m aware that the problem lies with my inability to fully yield and relinquish control. Somewhere, somehow, I’m hoping for an easier escape route. But it’s clear to me that the Lord still has plans for me to fulfill where I am, so until that’s over, I need to continue giving my best to these kids, so that I can bring honour to my wonderful God.

I need to kneel.

Pray for me, won’t you?

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Eyes On The Prize, by Sara Groves

It seems like almost a lifetime ago when I was sitting there in the school hall, applauding other colleagues for their long service. Today, the school honoured me (among many others) for serving as an educator for five years.

I always knew I’d be getting up on that stage to receive that certificate of appreciation. I also always knew that that would probably be my only time accepting it. You see, even if I did choose to continue teaching, I was always going to leave the school after five years, simply because I personally don’t believe in being in the same work environment for too long. At least, not while I’m still young.

Of course, I know my measly five years is nothing compared to others who have served in this field for a lot longer, but in this day and age, when job-hopping is common, five years does seem like quite a feat.

Already, I feel like I’m in a bit of a rut. Daily routines are getting mundane and I’m feeling as though I’ve kicked into auto-pilot mode. And try as I might, I really can’t see myself teaching the same content for another five years. Even after the syllabus gets updated, it is going to get repetitive again.

It doesn’t help that I am feeling increasingly limited. There are constraints that have made it difficult for me to be creative in class… And we all know how I’m not a fan of rigidity. Alas, I’ve realised for awhile now that I’m on a different page, so unless I conform, the inner conflicts will continue. Which is precisely why I know it’s time for me to expand my knowledge, face new challenges and enjoy new experiences.

But let’s not dismiss these five years. Because I have indeed learnt a lot, and more importantly, it has allowed me to know classes of teenagers who have, in their own way, made me a better person.

[edit]

I was also one of five recipients who were given the “Caring Teacher Award”. I’m not writing this to boast, but because I found it ironic that the last time I received it was in my first year of teaching, and that I’m receiving it again in my last year. Go figure, huh? ;)

[/edit]

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Out of the Game, by Rufus Wainwright

One of my students told me yesterday that it was “weird” for me, a teacher, to have a Twitter account. Apparently, teachers are not supposed to even know what Twitter is. They are supposed to embrace everything that old fogies represent: conservative, bookish, and hating/not understanding everything that teenagers do.

I didn’t know if I should feel insulted or laugh at their ignorance.

Firstly, teachers aren’t relics y’know? We’re normal human beings who also work, eat, play and surf the Internet. And yes, we certainly know how to have fun. I don’t know when and how this skewed image of teachers came about, but the fact that students see teachers in this very foggy light is ludicrous, to say the least.

Then, there’s that matter of teens today not quite realising that people from my generation popularised the Internet. We were blogging before the term was even coined. We established the need for social media. And because we had to learn how to use it to our advantage, I feel we are a lot more adept. I’m not saying that all digital immigrants like myself are Internet-savvy, but we are certainly in the know. So, really, these so-called digital natives who were born into the Internet-age shouldn’t be thinking that this cyber domain belongs to them. If anything, they’re actually kind of invading this space we have created.

But we’re generous, so we’ll share. ;)

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Something Pretty, by Patrick Park

After a somewhat exhausting 64-hour work week, my brain is officially fried and I’m all ready to do a whole lot of nothing.

But, really, it’s impossible to do literally nothing.

So in reality, nothing means:

- watching TV
- surfing the Internet
- reading
- listening to music while lying in bed

Wherein “nothing” actually means nothing productive.

And y’know what? I have no issue with that, even though the nagging feeling that there’s still work to be done is gonna bug me all weekend.

But as I’ve mentioned, MY BRAIN IS FRIED. SO I WILL DEAL WITH IT.

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Heyday, by Glen Hansard (Mic Christopher cover)

I am SO READY for the March school holidays.

I’m looking forward to sleeping in.
I’m looking forward to staying in all day in my PJs.
I’m looking forward to reading.
I’m looking forward to watching old TV shows from my DVD collection.
I’m looking forward to getting a break from 212 hormonal teenagers.

The term vacation is going to seem too short and I’m going to whine a whole lot in exactly a week when I realise that my vacation is almost over. So I will milk it for what it’s worth, and be thankful for this respite.

Until then… this is me right now.

(via atthebottomoftherabbithole)

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Here Is Gone, by Goo Goo Dolls

Inspired by this, I created this for my class:

As important as it is to teach my students to do well in their studies, I was reminded today that it’s more important to teach them to be good, kind people.

An accident at school this afternoon prevented me from teaching one particular class. Emotions were high and they needed to be managed. Because I was dealing with teenagers, I did my best to make sure I used the right tone, and said the right things. And I really thank God that He helped me to maintain my composure throughout. You see, it was a situation where it would have been very easy to get upset and play the blame game. But I knew the students were going to take the cue from me, and the Lord helped me to stay calm for their sakes. After all, the incident stemmed from the most non-malicious intentions, and it was imperative that I took the opportunity to emphasise the importance of forgiveness. Already, the weight of guilt would do its job; no one should make matters worse.

I am thankful that the kids responded so well to me, and that they all agreed to treat this incident with respect, and be supportive of their friends. It couldn’t have been easy for them, but in the end, the love they had for each other ruled, and that was all it took for everyone to heal. It was honestly one of my proudest moments as a teacher; to see that they have loved and were hence able to handle such a situation with great maturity, sensitivity and compassion.

I know things will be okay, but I pray for this kid tonight. That he will be able to forgive himself too.

And I pray that I can walk the talk, and that I’ll also always only respond in love.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because I’m extremely and insanely proud of my cousins. :)

Ventura Highway, by Amygdala (America cover)

Ten actual thoughts that always run through my mind at each meeting. I don’t believe I’m the only one with a wandering mind…?

1. Why is time moving sooooo slowly?

2. I wonder what font that is.

3. Aw man, not another acronym!

4. Why can’t this be a musical?

5. Why isn’t anyone texting me?

6. Geez, my nails are dirty.

7. I wonder if this is an appropriate time to go to the toilet.

8. Why don’t we have more chocolate?

9. Please keep it short… please keep it short…

10. *sings to self* *forgets lyrics* *spends next 5 minutes thinking about forgotten lyrics*

Now allow me to leave you with this.

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Rise and Fall, by Craig David (feat. Sting)

While helping out the cousin brainstorm some ideas for his project yesterday, I realised that I’m most excited when I get to be creative. When I get to come up with different concepts for branding, marketing, advertising… so… why am I teaching again?

Perhaps this is why I’ve never been keen on pursuing a Masters in Education. I guess, somewhere at the back of my head, I always knew I’d want to go back and pursue my interest in being part of the Mass Communication industry, which, based on my previous job, I already know that I can be pretty good at. And it seems real apt too, since I’m in my final year of my 5-year teaching plan.

I’ve certainly learnt a lot in this profession. And as amazing as my experiences are with teaching, there are also plenty of emotionally-draining moments that get me thinking about how much of this I can take.

I won’t lie. Partly, this is only surfacing because today was Results Day and once again, I saw too many students crying over their less-than-stellar performance. As much as they tell themselves to be prepared for the worst, it’s never easy for these young ones to accept reality. And when they matter that much to me, it’s really quite painful going through the range of emotions with so many of them.

Whatever I decide to do, I still have about nine more months till the end of this scholastic year. Until then, I’m going to continue giving my all to these kids.

. . . . .

Song of the Day

Sing To You, by Alain de Courtenay

As routine as life gets, I never know for sure what’s going to happen each day. Truthfully, I kinda like the surprises; they keep life interesting and more often than not, they serve as reminders of God’s faithfulness. And boy, do I need to have faith this year.

2012′s gonna be filled with uncertainties. Mostly because it marks the end of my personal 5-year plan, and – believe me – I’m all ready to reassess my vocation. I’ve never liked the idea of staying in my comfort zone for too long. I need change. It keeps me from getting lazy/complacent/overly-jaded. Yet, it also brings about a whole truckload of questions and concerns. Hence, as much as I’m excited about making major changes in my life, I’m also pretty nervous. So if you share my faith (or even if you don’t), please pray that I will continue to seek the Lord’s guidance and have the confidence to see things through. :)

Speaking of which, I never see through all my New Year’s resolutions. So I told myself to be less ambitious this year and instead of resolving to achieve a whole bunch of things, I’m gonna set about endeavouring. You see, by not calling them “resolutions” it already feels less pressurising because it doesn’t come with the expectation of ensuring they get accomplished by year’s end. Agree?

- Be a better steward of time and money
- Make healthier eating choices
- Be more patient towards my family

That’s it. That’s all I have this year. But they’re not easy. BELIEVE ME.

Already, I’ve failed somewhat in the Good Steward of Money department, making several purchases for work. But in my defence, I really was running out of work clothes. Also, the print on this top was just too cute.

I did a little better food-wise. Dinner was grilled salmon with roasted potatoes. Healthy enough, yes?

And again, that’s why I’m calling them endeavours.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because it’s always good to kick off the new year with Christian Ska! ;p

World Without End, by Five Iron Frenzy