Work

Sunday Blues

April 15, 2012 · 1 comment

Another weekend coming to a close, another rant about work.

I should be grading papers. Instead, here I am, blogging. Such is the reluctance I have to spend my Sunday doing something that has become vexing.

Grading papers has become such a chore. I keep seeing all these errors made by my students and I wonder if a) they have been pretending to understand my lessons, or b) I have been that incoherent. Surely, after five years, I would have gotten out of the “inexperienced teacher” ditch? I have tried almost everything within my means. Peer teaching, group work, churning out plenty of study notes… Why do I still feel so inept?

Plenty of people tell me I’m a good teacher, that I’ve been doing a great job with my kids. I’m humbled. Because honestly? I’m not so sure if I agree. Perhaps I am good at connecting with them. I do usually manage to build a pretty strong rapport with the kids. And it does appear I can easily get their support to participate in school events. But what else quantifies me as a good teacher? Have their attitudes changed for the better? Have their results improved? Sadly, I’ve never been able to tell.

I think it is the lack of visible results that has gotten me so disheartened that I’m all ready to call it a day. It’s highly frustrating to do something year after year with nothing to show. I don’t need to produce straight-A students – I’ve actually never quite believed in that. All I’ve ever wanted to achieve is to instill a sense of self-belief and self-motivation, so that these young ones can learn that they can find success as long as they are willing to work hard enough to maximise their potentials.

Am I being too idealistic?

Perhaps I’ll only see the results 10 years down the road, when I bump into ex-students and see how they’ve done good for themselves.

What if I never bump into any of them though? Can you see how frustrating this has become for me?

What I need most right now is faith. Faith that the seeds have been planted, and that work has been done. Whether or not I’ll ever see these fruits should be the least of my concerns.

Right?

Excuse me while I go sulk in a corner now.

{ 1 comment }

Holding On

April 12, 2012 · 1 comment

in Faith, Life, Work

I go back to work tomorrow after a two-day medical leave and there is a huge lack of motivation to prepare for lessons. Thank goodness I have a stash of worksheets and other resources that I can easily tap into… Still, it’s worrying. Already, the fact that I’ve fallen sick about once a month since the start of the year has gotten me wondering if I have a psychological problem with work. You know how it is. When the brain is full of pessimism, negative signals are sent out and before you know it, everything about work becomes a chore. Then, when there’s enough despondency, my immunity system lowers, letting me fall prey to all these viruses that are suddenly more prevalent than usual. It doesn’t help that schools are gigantic germ forests.

I’ve prayed for God to let me continue embracing His plans for me, and for me to start focusing on His work, instead of mine; to focus on counting His blessings, instead of counting down to the end of this scholastic year…

Alas, it has not been easy.

Some days make sense, but there are many others where I just don’t know what’s happening anymore.

I’m aware that the problem lies with my inability to fully yield and relinquish control. Somewhere, somehow, I’m hoping for an easier escape route. But it’s clear to me that the Lord still has plans for me to fulfill where I am, so until that’s over, I need to continue giving my best to these kids, so that I can bring honour to my wonderful God.

I need to kneel.

Pray for me, won’t you?

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Song of the Day

Eyes On The Prize, by Sara Groves

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5 Years

April 5, 2012 · 0 comments

in Work

It seems like almost a lifetime ago when I was sitting there in the school hall, applauding other colleagues for their long service. Today, the school honoured me (among many others) for serving as an educator for five years.

I always knew I’d be getting up on that stage to receive that certificate of appreciation. I also always knew that that would probably be my only time accepting it. You see, even if I did choose to continue teaching, I was always going to leave the school after five years, simply because I personally don’t believe in being in the same work environment for too long. At least, not while I’m still young.

Of course, I know my measly five years is nothing compared to others who have served in this field for a lot longer, but in this day and age, when job-hopping is common, five years does seem like quite a feat.

Already, I feel like I’m in a bit of a rut. Daily routines are getting mundane and I’m feeling as though I’ve kicked into auto-pilot mode. And try as I might, I really can’t see myself teaching the same content for another five years. Even after the syllabus gets updated, it is going to get repetitive again.

It doesn’t help that I am feeling increasingly limited. There are constraints that have made it difficult for me to be creative in class… And we all know how I’m not a fan of rigidity. Alas, I’ve realised for awhile now that I’m on a different page, so unless I conform, the inner conflicts will continue. Which is precisely why I know it’s time for me to expand my knowledge, face new challenges and enjoy new experiences.

But let’s not dismiss these five years. Because I have indeed learnt a lot, and more importantly, it has allowed me to know classes of teenagers who have, in their own way, made me a better person.

[edit]

I was also one of five recipients who were given the “Caring Teacher Award”. I’m not writing this to boast, but because I found it ironic that the last time I received it was in my first year of teaching, and that I’m receiving it again in my last year. Go figure, huh? ;)

[/edit]

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Song of the Day

Out of the Game, by Rufus Wainwright