Let’s face it, that September term break really wasn’t a break at all. Especially not when there was all that marking to be done. Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel well-rested. Clearly, a week isn’t enough.

I feel like I’m running on reserve energy right now. In fact, it’s been this way for the past few Septembers, since I started teaching. Each year, it is around this point of time that I feel like throwing in the towel. Now, I don’t claim to have the toughest job in the world, but it certainly has its challenges, and I’m beginning to feel – for the lack of a better word – jaded. Yet, I feel guilty for feeling this way, y’know? I feel like I’m doing my students a huge injustice, when I don’t give them my best. I feel guilty for not giving them those extra classes that they want, because I really do need the time to catch up on my marking and other administrative stuff. Besides, and I’m being honest here, I know that not much can be done at this stage, because there’s a little too much catching up to do. But how do you tell that to an impressionable teen, and not dash hopes?

*breathe*

I know the perks of my job will be manifested soon especially now that we’re in the final leg, but for now, they seem a little too distant.

I really do take my hat off to my colleagues who have families to look after. How they still manage to stay on top of their game is beyond me.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because I needed the comforting.

Fix You, by Coldplay

Back in ’96, when I was still an impressionable 14-year-old, I remember watching my first VMAs in my parents’ room. Alanis Morissette was big that year, so were the Foo Fighters and the Smashing Pumpkins. My dad walked in to the room, saw Billy Corgan all made up in Tonight, Tonight, and wondered what kinda “druggie music” I was listening to.

Oh Dad, trust me, music then was MUCH BETTER.

15 years on, I am amazed at how much MTV and the VMAs have evolved. For example, did you know that MTV is now all about reality TV programming (How the heck is Jersey Shore still on?!), and other programmes that appeal to their teen demographic? Which loosely translates into: it’s so full of crappy shows that it doesn’t really play music videos any more. And today, while I sat down to watch the second half of the VMAs, I realised that heaps of music videos (and even the VMAs) today are all about the spectacle, and have almost ceased to tell stories/enhance the actual piece of music itself. It was a very disappointing moment for me.

Don’t even get me started on popular music today.

And after that disaster of a song I just put you through, I won’t.

At least the Beasties are still recognised for making hilarious videos.

/rantover

In the meantime, have I told you how I need it to be November like, tomorrow? I’m getting increasingly disgruntled of late, and I’m in tremendous want of being able to cast everything aside and just live life with reckless abandon. But I know I need to be responsible, I need to be an adult, so for now, I’ll just continue to whine, groan and growl, while sucking it up as much as I can.

I know… I know… I’m becoming jaded. And I feel ashamed for being so. :( Instead of being grateful for having a good, stable job with such great opportunities to interact with teens and touch their lives, I’m allowing myself to get frustrated about the peripherals. It’s gotten to a point where I feel like I’m no longer bothered to perform at my best, rather, I’m just doing enough to get by. It’s terrible, isn’t it? *sighs*

Y’know that saying, Let go and let God? I really need to live by that right now. I need God to give me strength and help me to find joy at work again.

Or perhaps I can just fall asleep tonight and wake up to November tomorrow?

. . . . .

Song of the Day, and be prepared to have your heart torn into pieces because it’s just too beautifully depressing.

I Can’t Make You Love Me, by Bon Iver (Bonnie Rait cover)

Good evening,

My friends and I were just treated to an extremely unpleasant experience in Hyundai Sonata Taxi 2397.

The booking was made this evening at approximately 2250 hours, and we were picked up at the Far East Plaza taxi stand. Upon hearing that the three of us were sharing a cab even though we all live in the East (S.R., F.A. and T), the driver groaned very audibly and did not make an effort to hide his displeasure. We do not think ours was a troublesome journey, so to hear the driver openly verbalise his indignation while trying to make his own sense of our route, came as a rude shock. Subsequently, and unfortunately for us, we had to bear the brunt of his poor attitude, such as the little effort on his part to minimise the impact each time he hit the brakes.

The final straw came after the first passenger alighted along S.R., and he missed the turn to get to F.A. After we alerted him of his mistake, instead of apologising, he mentioned that his mind was still clouded with the fact that we had 3 stops, causing him to make that error. He remarked that it would almost be midnight by the time we got to T and that he would have missed out on the opportunity to pick up passengers from Changi Airport, as there would have been many passengers waiting for cabs at that time (it was approximately 11:15 when he made these comments). Upon hearing this, I decided to alight at Frankel Avenue with the second passenger as I was no longer willing to subject myself to such a resentful driver. When he realised that he did not have to make the trip to T any more, he had the audacity to thank us, before gleefully stating that he was now able to head for the airport.

I am not sure what is your company’s policy on cab sharing, but my friends and I have made this same trip countless times, and we have never before had such an unpleasant experience. We have met drivers who have straight up told us that they were in a hurry, so in those situations, we do not get on the cab. However, instead of immediately alerting us that it was too inconvenient for him to make the trip, this driver chose to fulfill the booking anyway. Yet, he reacted unfavourably.

Surely, such behaviour is a far cry from the values that your company embodies and I believe such representation, if left unchecked, would ultimately harm the company’s vision of providing best-in-class services that leads the market.

I sincerely hope that you will look into this matter and take the necessary action.

Regards,
A.T.

I am aggrieved.

*growls*

Then there’s the lack of momentum at work in general. It’s making everything seem like a chore. At work, I just find myself living one hour at a time, floating from one class to the next. At home, I can’t even bring myself to catch up on my favourite TV shows because the mere thought of sitting through a full episode appears daunting. It’s as though I’m incapable of doing anything that does not involve curling up in bed.

Oh Saturday, won’t you come sooner? I really need to sleep in.

. . . . .

Song of the Day:

The Walls Are Coming Down, by Fanfarlo

If only we can just get a day off for us to sleep in. And no, weekends DON’T count. Have you seen my weekends?

Anyhow, here’s a Friday Night playlist for my dear friend, Nessa, cos she’s the biggest “fan” of my Song of the Day feature on the blog, and also because it’s her birthday tomorrow. Heh. (Happy Birthday, Ma’am! LOL.)

(Some videos don’t allow embedding, so click here for the full list.)

Tighten Up, by The Black Keys
Losing Friends Over Love, by Eskimo Joe
Little Lion Man, by Mumford & Sons
Straight Lines, by Silverchair
Love Hurts, by Incubus
Let Loose The Horses, by The Rescues
Brighter Than Sunshine, by Aqualung
Sparks, by Coldplay
Cannonball, by Damien Rice
Winter Song, by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

I remember telling myself before I got into the profession, and after seeing one too many jaded teachers, that if I ever became like them, it would be time for me to leave. I refuse to subject my students to my worn-out, blasé self, because that won’t be fair to them. But truth is, I run on emotions. I run on passion. I run on my relationships with others. Without which, I find it very hard to motivate myself. And when I’m not motivated, I’m not a good teacher.

I don’t have to think long and hard to uncover the reasons for my feeling this way. Partly, it is due to the fact that I’m no longer a form teacher, meaning I no longer have the capacity (or authority) to care for students in the same way as I did for the last 3 years. Being a form teacher allowed me to be pastoral, and I really got to connect with my students on a deeper level. That allowed me to develop this relationship with my students, one based on mutual trust and respect, thereby giving me the motivation to give them my best. Now, I can’t help feeling… redundant.

The other reason is the fact that my samba with all the other non-teaching essentials has really gotten me quite frustrated. It doesn’t help that a colleague of mine, who recently switched to a different teaching scheme, has displayed a significant change in her demeanour. I’m noticing a slight bounce in her step, and that she’s smiling a lot more. She’s also able to focus more on the fundamentals of teaching now, so of course I can’t help but feel envious. I want that for myself! Am I ready for the pay cut though? Not just yet.

I have a final batch of students that I definitely want to see through, but after this year, I’m not sure. I’ll keep you posted.

. . . . .

Song of the Day, because their performance at the recent Grammys made me love this song all over again.

The Cave (Live), by Mumford & Sons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwEF1f6Wwj8

The victim is an ex-student of the school I’m teaching in so, regretfully, some of my colleagues were directly affected by this tragedy. It was absolutely gutting to see a colleague crying and being unable to fathom how this could happen. I didn’t know the kid, but I could feel the pain that everyone was experiencing. The mood at work this morning was so solemn, it’s palpable. And amid the silence, a thought came to mind, what if it had been one of my own students?

I immediately think of all the times where I witnessed rage being allowed to dictate actions and how many of them stemmed from pettiness. But shoving and some quick blows is always as far as it goes. Never anything that causes severe bodily harm. Even then, I wonder how anyone can be okay after something like that happens. I mean, I find myself completely unsettled whenever I get into a major argument with my folks – and that’s just verbal – so how can a person punch someone else, and still be able to sleep at night?

It’s a worrying trend, but many teens today seem to have less control of their emotions. And anger clouds judgment, making it difficult to react sensitively, but to be insensible too? It’s beginning to seem that not only are our values degenerating, we are also becoming less wise.

I believe part of this is because society today thrives more on emotion rather than intellect. We often choose based on how we feel about something, and because of this, we don’t necessarily make the best decisions. And when we’re that driven by emotions, we seek comfort from cliques and gangs, letting the group’s psyche determine our behaviour. Unfortunately, in this case, a mob mentality caused a group of teens to wield cleavers and hack someone to death. All because there was some (inappropriate) staring going on.

How did they even get a hold of the cleavers? I… can’t…

I don’t want to have any irrational fears about the safety of my own students, especially since they hang around the area so much, but when others are acting this irrationally, surely it becomes rational, to be irrational?

This is so messed up.

Me: Okay, what brand do you want?

Dad: Any brand will do. I just want Vitamin E.

Me: Okaayyyyy… but you gotta have a brand in mind. How else will she know which one to get?

Dad: I just want Vitamin E. The Nature one.

Me: So the brand is Nature?

Dad: Anything. Just get Vitamin E.

Me: Then I’ll tell her to buy the cheapest one?

Dad: No, not the cheapest one. The Nature one. Vitamin E.

Me: What? So you want Nature’s Vitamin E!?

Dad: Anything will do! (pause) Hold on, let me ask Mum.

2 minutes later

Dad: Get Nature’s Evening Primrose Oil.

Me: What? You see what you just did? You told me Vitamin E two minutes ago, and now you want Evening Primrose Oil?

Dad: No! I want Vitamin E. But everyone knows about Nature’s Evening Primrose Oil, so I told you that so you can tell her to get Nature’s Vitamin E.

Me: Oh my gosh. *breathe* So that’s the actual name of the brand? NATURE?

Dad: Yes, Nature.

Me: Mooooooom!!

Mum: It’s Nature’s Way.

8 minutes later

Mum: Actually, I think it’s Nature’s Own.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh.

I really want to be more patient with my parents, but you see how we’re (not) communicating? *sighs*