Category Archives: Life

A certain kind of peace

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Y’know what I’ve learnt in the (short) course of this week? If you take things one week at a time, things really aren’t so bad. Of course I’m partly speaking from an educator’s point of view (how else would I speak?) where we think in terms of weeks, terms and semesters. Days? Periods? They’re just another deadline. Deadlines that we somehow manage to keep pushing. You’ll know what I’m talking about if you’re a fellow teacher. NUDGE. WINK.

Tomorrow’s Hump Day. (No, not that kinda hump, you perv!) And it’s slowly becoming one of my favourite days of the week. Mostly because it marks a nice, gradual descend into the end of the week. So yes, the partying usually starts on Wednesday. In the mind, at least. But what I love about this whole epiphany is that it’s helping me to take things slow, and breathe a lot easier.

Previously, I would aim to have as much foresight as possible, and plan way, way ahead. Then the real work started rolling in, and I realised how tough it was to stay afloat, what with all the weight I was carrying. Then amid all the hope of work/life balance, I saw that as much as I loved the kids, I really needed to care for myself first, before I could care for them. So, out went the crazy shit, and in came this little thing called PERSPECTIVE. I knew I had to abandon my ideals and accept that I’d never be like a Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers, or Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, because I was supposed to be the teacher that God wants me to be. And from there, it dawned on me that I was also supposed to be the daughter, cousin, friend that God has shaped me for. This was the perspective that I really needed. Especially with what’s happening with my family.

I’ve never blogged anything personal about my family mostly because I want it to remain private, and because I was afraid it would worsen situations should anyone stumble upon it. And I intend for it to remain that way. But I will say this: in spite of everything, I’m so glad I am as close as I am to my extended family. And I really want to thank God that we all share the same faith and values. Without which, I’m sure things would have been more crazy/out of control.

So even though I (crazily) prayed for more trials this week, I know that I’ll be able to get through it all cos God is faithful. More than I can ever imagine.

When I don’t make sense

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I’ve often been known to “over-commit”. I put that in quotation marks because it’s not something I personally believe it, but the phrase has been thrown at me by many different people, at many different points in time, over the years, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s true.

With my job, I don’t exactly get much time to relax on a daily basis. And because my job requires a high level of mental alertness, I’m usually quite drained by the time I get home. So I’m mostly unable to do anything else after 6pm. Occasionally, I’d arrange to meet up with friends, or go for dinner with colleagues. Most of the time, I just want to go home and do nothing. Nothing significant, at least.

Then the weekend approaches and I’ll have all these little things to do that can seem overwhelming at times; mostly because I’ve completely exhausted my weekly capacity by then to do anything that is even remotely challenging. Then I’d have all this guilt inside of me, wondering why I can’t even put aside a few hours each week to get these things done. And I’d hate myself for having all these feelings.

At this point, everything becomes emotional. I’d read an article about a girl meeting a celeb, and I’d want to cry. I’d read about a person buying her dream home, and I’d want to break down. Yes, it all seems a bit much, especially when you click on those links and see exactly what those two were about, then you’d probably wonder why I’m such a sook. I can’t explain it myself, but it’s like I can feel the emotions that these people are going through, and I’m just so happy for them y’know?

Yes, I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

I guess it’s just one of those days, huh?

Mid-year rant

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So my visit to Brissie wasn’t as long as I would’ve liked (mostly because I have this little commitment called “work”) still, it was a good trip. After all, the main purpose of this trip was to catch up with everyone and hang out with my girls. And even though I treasured every single moment with them, it’s also made me realise that they’ve all grown older without me.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve not grown apart. I’m just no longer a big part of this life that they are now forging. And y’know what? It hurts. It hurts that I can’t be there to offer help during times of crisis, or share in their joy when they (finally) announce that they’re expecting or even something simple like offering my opinion when they’re choosing a piece of furniture. I just really want to be there for them. But I can’t.

I’m still grappling with the fact that they’re so far away now and we can only meet up as often as we’re able to travel to each other’s cities. And y’know, just as I hate not being there for their big moments, I also hate that they can’t be here to share mine. (Dia & Nessa, you girls had better stay local!)

The new semester begins tomorrow. It’s back to the routine of waking up before 6am & spending about 10 hours at work each day. Explain to me again why I’m not feeling excited?