Category Archives: Life

Where I’m almost at the breaking point

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You know the problem with teaching? Be in it too long, and you’ll start talking to everyone as though they’re your students. It’s funny at first, until it becomes condescending and downright grating.

Needless to say, I was at the receiving end today. And it seriously drove me insane. But unlike my previous job, something tells me that my superiors here will not appreciate my candour, so I had no choice but to struggle to hold my tongue. And thus begins the first part of my rant about working with people who have always been sheltered by the civil service.

THEY. ARE. TOO. RIGID.

Of course, I start to rationalise (as I always do) that the civil service serves a much bigger target audience compared to the private sector who has a lot fewer stakeholders. Admittedly, proper “systems” and “processes” will need to be in place in order to ensure the smooth running of things. However, being in the “system” for too long, you’ll naturally become one with the “system”. You end up running things in such a way that there becomes very little tolerance for alternative solutions. Even though the end product is still THE SAME.

And it confounds me. If there’s only one way of doing something, why are we given options in the first place? Why offer us this false hope of flexibility? Are you just trying to make us succumb without appearing too dictatorial? And why isn’t taking the initiative more appreciated? Why does everything have to go through the channels first? Am I not mature/responsible/capable enough to make a decision? Am I beginning to sound a tad bitter?

Breathe. BREATHE.

The second part was already touched on earlier in the opening paragraph. Wherein I felt like a 10-year-old while being talked down to. (Oh please tell me again how to get it done? Cos I was totally playing with my hair the first 3 times.) It made me feel like I was working for my mother*! Oh. My. Heck. Thankfully, this doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen. OHHHH BOY. I can literally feel the blood pressure rising.

*Bless her, cos my mother’s actually very easy-going and not difficult to work with at all. I was just trying to make a point.

Increasingly, I can’t help but wonder if this environment is suitable for me. I need to be in a place where I can work with learners who are more responsible. I need to be in a place where people are less concerned about ranking and more about moulding. And personally, I don’t know if I can continue teaching the same two subjects for the rest of my life, especially since I don’t see the syllabus changing drastically anytime soon. I don’t want to have to keep imparting the same bits of information each scholastic year. I want teaching to be more dynamic where I can continuously learn new things and be able to pass them on to my students (I guess this is why I’d originally chosen to teach Literature, since I know the text will change every few years). I guess most of all, I miss studying. I miss learning new things about the world. Sure, I could always read, but I hardly have time to sit down and indulge in a book from cover to cover. So trust me? That’s not a solution.

I think it’s clear what I need.

I need a break.

Haha

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Back in the days or IRC and ICQ, I’d only ever type haha when I genuinely found something funny. A whole string of it would ensue if I thought something was really hilarious. Then, the LOLs and ROFLs came along, and the hahas dwindled, saving them only when I felt an ROFLMAO wasn’t a good enough response to a pure comedic moment.

Aside: I’m honestly quite annoyed that language today has been watered down to mere abbreviations. Apparently, it is more important to type fast than to convey meaning?

Over the years, I became more aware of my own usage of haha and I realised that this seemingly insignificant word (if it even is a word) can also connote feelings of condescension and frustration, even though it would almost always be interpreted as an expression of laughter by the other party. Here’s how I’ve incorporated the humble haha:

1. That’s freaking hilarious! I’m totally in guffaws here!

2. I get you’re trying to make a joke, and I don’t exactly find it funny, but I’d laugh with you anyway.

3. I can’t believe you’re foolish enough to believe that, so I’m totally laughing at you, rather than with you.

4. I’m not really paying attention, but I’m saying “haha”, cos you said “haha” first.

5. Wow. You actually said something so un-politically correct? *nervous*

6. I really don’t want to ruffle any feathers here… But I need to say it anyway.

7. You’re being a complete idiot. But I can’t be bothered to argue with you.

8. In your face, suckerrrr!

9. Something is seriously bothering me but I just don’t want to talk about it. So let’s move on, shall we?

10. I really don’t know what else to say to you, so let’s hope this conversation ends soon.

How do you use the haha?

Being my own pain in the ass

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Every now and then, I’d kick myself for not taking piano or dance lessons when I was younger. It’s not like my folks never allowed me to do them. Growing up, the passion wasn’t quite there. I was way more interested to watch TV, or play with my imaginary friends (no kidding). So it’s somewhat strange that I love it as much now. I’m constantly in awe of people who can create music, or create movements that are so fluid that it just seems to emanate naturally. I am envious. Yes.

Of course, I also understood, from a very young age, that discipline is not my forte. I’d be extremely excited about a new project/idea for a brief moment (a few months, at the most) then it would fade into oblivion. So, I guess I knew that I wouldn’t last very long in piano or dance class. Then, my folks would nag and give me a whole long lecture about giving up too easily, or wasting time and money… blah blah blah. “So, why give them the opportunity right? Might as well not go through with it at all,” I’d reason. And today, I have regrets. Go figure.

Looking back, I believe it’s the fear of realising that I suck. I have never seen myself as a perfectionist, but to an extent, I pride myself in being able to do things well – completely based on my own (low) standards, of course – especially if I have an interest in it. I just didn’t know if I had the talent for the arts, so this lack of confidence in my own creative abilities (not like I have much of it now) prevented me from delving into music and dance. I must have been too afraid that I’d be the worst in class, so I allowed that fear to call the shots. Oh if I could go back and do it all over again.

Sure, I can start taking lessons now. After all, don’t the proverbial people always say, “it’s never too late”? And it’s not like I have any commitments at all. But I do have a whole heap of excuses, which unfortunately, I never seem to be running out of. And then I realise these excuses are merely distracting me from the same issues I’ve always had – a lack of discipline and belief in myself. Oh my goodness. Can someone kick me already?