Tomorrow’s Hump Day. (No, not that kinda hump, you perv!) And it’s slowly becoming one of my favourite days of the week. Mostly because it marks a nice, gradual descend into the end of the week. So yes, the partying usually starts on Wednesday. In the mind, at least. But what I love about this whole epiphany is that it’s helping me to take things slow, and breathe a lot easier.

Previously, I would aim to have as much foresight as possible, and plan way, way ahead. Then the real work started rolling in, and I realised how tough it was to stay afloat, what with all the weight I was carrying. Then amid all the hope of work/life balance, I saw that as much as I loved the kids, I really needed to care for myself first, before I could care for them. So, out went the crazy shit, and in came this little thing called PERSPECTIVE. I knew I had to abandon my ideals and accept that I’d never be like a Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers, or Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, because I was supposed to be the teacher that God wants me to be. And from there, it dawned on me that I was also supposed to be the daughter, cousin, friend that God has shaped me for. This was the perspective that I really needed. Especially with what’s happening with my family.

I’ve never blogged anything personal about my family mostly because I want it to remain private, and because I was afraid it would worsen situations should anyone stumble upon it. And I intend for it to remain that way. But I will say this: in spite of everything, I’m so glad I am as close as I am to my extended family. And I really want to thank God that we all share the same faith and values. Without which, I’m sure things would have been more crazy/out of control.

So even though I (crazily) prayed for more trials this week, I know that I’ll be able to get through it all cos God is faithful. More than I can ever imagine.

With my job, I don’t exactly get much time to relax on a daily basis. And because my job requires a high level of mental alertness, I’m usually quite drained by the time I get home. So I’m mostly unable to do anything else after 6pm. Occasionally, I’d arrange to meet up with friends, or go for dinner with colleagues. Most of the time, I just want to go home and do nothing. Nothing significant, at least.

Then the weekend approaches and I’ll have all these little things to do that can seem overwhelming at times; mostly because I’ve completely exhausted my weekly capacity by then to do anything that is even remotely challenging. Then I’d have all this guilt inside of me, wondering why I can’t even put aside a few hours each week to get these things done. And I’d hate myself for having all these feelings.

At this point, everything becomes emotional. I’d read an article about a girl meeting a celeb, and I’d want to cry. I’d read about a person buying her dream home, and I’d want to break down. Yes, it all seems a bit much, especially when you click on those links and see exactly what those two were about, then you’d probably wonder why I’m such a sook. I can’t explain it myself, but it’s like I can feel the emotions that these people are going through, and I’m just so happy for them y’know?

Yes, I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

I guess it’s just one of those days, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve not grown apart. I’m just no longer a big part of this life that they are now forging. And y’know what? It hurts. It hurts that I can’t be there to offer help during times of crisis, or share in their joy when they (finally) announce that they’re expecting or even something simple like offering my opinion when they’re choosing a piece of furniture. I just really want to be there for them. But I can’t.

I’m still grappling with the fact that they’re so far away now and we can only meet up as often as we’re able to travel to each other’s cities. And y’know, just as I hate not being there for their big moments, I also hate that they can’t be here to share mine. (Dia & Nessa, you girls had better stay local!)

The new semester begins tomorrow. It’s back to the routine of waking up before 6am & spending about 10 hours at work each day. Explain to me again why I’m not feeling excited?

We spent my first night here watching State of Origin, a simple pleasure I’ve missed so greatly ever since I went back to Singy. It’s always more fun watching sports with friends & unfortunately, I’ve never managed to find anyone else in Singy who shared a passion/interest in Rugby League. Over the last few years, as I cheered for Queensland by my lonesome self at home, I’ve longed umpteen times to be transported to Brissie so I can watch it with my dear friends. Even if it was just for that one evening. So finally being able to watch the game live, with all these folks, was a moment I couldn’t help but relish.

The next day, it was just a whole day of shopping & getting myself reacquainted with the city, in particular Queen Street Mall. It was SO comforting to see everything right where I remembered them to be (except a few new shops here and there). Walking down the street, I kept wondering why I’m not living in Brissie already. Then I realised that while I could go on and gush about how much I love the lifestyle & culture, I was also unwilling to let go of everyone back in Singy. It was a wretched feeling.

This evening, we had a good steak at Breakfast Creek Hotel, which incidentally is not a hotel by the way. Apparently, many pubs/restaurants here called Something Something Hotel are not actual hotels, while the real ones (e.g. Hilton, Sheraton) all don’t have “hotel” in their names. Go figure. Anyway, tomorrow, we’re heading out for lunch at West End. I’m sorta feeling rather touristy at the moment as I’ve never been there & the girls are specially arranging a trip there for me. Heh. :p

I can’t believe I’ve only got about 4 more days here. Yes, one week is too short, but I’m glad I’m able to spend whatever time I have with my girls. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I wasn’t sure what exactly sparked off the comparison but I later found out that he thinks we both share the same sort of enthusiasm when we speak. And I guess I agree. I mean, I know I can get quite animated when I talk to people (I definitely got this from my dad) and I can certainly rattle on. I guess I was surprised he caught on mostly because I don’t think I’ve ever shown that side of me around him. At least not that I can remember anyway.

I wasn’t always like that. I was a lot quieter when I was younger and was more prone to play by the rules, so to speak (I know someone who would attest to that *ahem*). Part of me believes that I was more “toned down” back then because my mother’s ex-classmate was a teacher in my Primary School and I was afraid she’d keep a very watchful eye on me. Fearing I’d get into trouble with my folks, I made sure I stayed clean. The other part of me simply thinks that I modelled my behaviour after my mum, who’s definitely not as animated as my dad. Since dad was an Inflight Supervisor and wasn’t around that much, everything I knew came from my mother.

All that changed when I got to Secondary School. It was a clean slate. There was no one there to govern me any more, and I could push limits. It was at this stage that I grew into my true(?) self and became more extroverted. I also started to understand my father better and his personality definitely influenced and shaped my being. Over time, my confidence grew and being as exposed as I was to the mass media, I also allowed myself to adopt some traits that were deemed favourable in my eyes. And of course, as we grow older and interact with more people, we’ll evolve.

So I don’t know what I’m gonna be like 20, or even 10 years from now. I may go back to being more like my mother. Whatever it is, I just hope I’ll be a better version of me.

Funny though, because I did weep. You see, the stress of grading that many examination scripts was insurmountable and so, on the last day of this marking extravaganza (that is, today), I broke down and became this emotional pile of mess. I’d experienced a migraine, several headaches, felt bitchy about colleagues who had smaller marking loads, went many nights without sufficient sleep, had no appetite to eat and was basically at the point of exhaustion. I wanted to lay in bed more than anything and distance myself far, far away from everything work-related. But I had to finish grading the last lot of essays. So I begrudgingly worked my red pen through the answers and then right when Glee’s True Colours came on my iPod, the tears flowed.

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you fell so small

Ayyy… damn you, song! For making me cry! But there I was, at the lowest of low, feeling so mentally drained and emotionally charged. I really needed to scream. But Lean On Me comes on next, and reminded me of how I simply needed to continue leaning on God for the strength I needed to see through this last stretch. Of course, more tears were induced because I was that messed up at that point of time.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who was capable of handling stress pretty well. After all, my previous profession as an Events Organiser opened me to many high-pressured situations, and I’d never gotten emotional. Who knew marking exam scripts would break me down like that? I can only hope that next semester will be better, especially since there’ll be new teachers joining my department. We’re really short-handed as it is, and I honestly don’t know if I can handle such an insane marking load again in the final semester.

Now that it is all said and done, I could say I’ve emerged like a phoenix from the ashes, but I won’t cos that might be a little over-the-top? So excuse me while I go celebrate with some cake.

I saw a double rainbow two mornings ago, just as I was heading up to my office. It was, naturally, a sight to behold, so I stopped in my tracks and soaked in the beauty of the moment. For about one minute. I spotted a colleague & told her about it. She only appreciated it for about 5 seconds. Of course this led me to wonder, why are we so caught up with work that we can’t even enjoy such moments?

Already, all the cousins are musically-inclined in our own special way. Put the entire extended family together and we’d be more than happy to entertain ourselves for hours, as long as there’s a guitar around. And I must say, none of us are bad singers. :p In fact, it takes very little for the cousins to get excited about singing together. Earlier this month, we were convinced we’d do a decent job with our own rendition of Glee’s version of Lean on Me that we even bought sheet music. Alas, we’ve only had that one practice since so I honestly have no idea when we’d finish learning the whole song. Heh.

Wow. That sure was a long intro to prove my point. Anyway, so earlier this evening, one of my younger cousins and I had a very short Twitter convo that only music-holics would approve:

@bittymacbeth: Ironing and listening to The Temper Trap. I think Five Iron Frenzy would be more apt …? HAHA, lame pun, I know sorry.

@allysont: @bittymacbeth I disagree. Iron Maiden would be more apt. Hur hur… :p

@bittymacbeth: @allysont Before I say “or Hot Hot Heat” HAHA THAT SHOWS YOU’RE LAMER THAN I AM!!

@allysont: @bittymacbeth What can I say? The ability to think up lame puns totally runs in the family.

This coming from 2 cousins who came up with code names for ourselves, all based on bands/song titles. Yes, we’re geeks.

I came across this today and thought it might be quite interesting to do. Not only does it keep me Tumblr-ing more consistently, it also helps me take that little step to achieving the perseverance to see through a whole web project. Goodness knows how many times I’ve failed at that! Anyhow, be sure to check out my Tumblr to see if I emerge victorious, or crash, like I usually do. :p

And to make this challenge more um, challenging, I’m going to continue blogging here as often as I’ve been doing the past few weeks. *gasp* I know right! How exactly is she going to keep this up? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see. Heheh.

A. Give a sheepish smile
B. Just walk past the person without any acknowledgement
C. Raise an eyebrow/wink
D. Groan “I’m tired”
E. Say a quick “Hey” or “Hello”
F. Something else

I don’t know about you, but this moment never fails to seem awkward to me. See, if it was someone you’re real chummy with, you could always whine/gossip, but I really don’t know how to react to people whom I only speak to in passing. And if you pass by this same person more than once, are you just gonna keep saying “Hey”? Am I the only person who’s bugged by this?